As it turns out, my monthly expenses far exceed my monthly income.
Rent, tuition, utilities, food.
I feel like I am sinking in debt--all to my boyfriend.
He's been so insanely good to me, helping me meet my expenses every month.
And now, because I am so deep in everything but cash, it seems that my annual trip home will
be forfeited this year. I've been looking forward to making it back to the south for Thanksgiving for about 340 days now, and it's just dawning on me that it likely won't be happening this year.
I recognize the sacrifices that I have to make to not take out student loans, and generally speaking--bring 'em on! I've applied for foodstamps, and I'm ditching the fancy iphone, and cannot remember the last time I paid full price for...anything. The idea of starting loans this early on in my education makes me feel nauseated, but I'm starting to wonder what it is really worth. My trip to N.C. happens only once a year, and after my fourth year in NY, it's become a drug that I cannot imagine withdrawing from. I feel selfish for wanting this so, so badly, but I miss my family more than I ever thought possible. I haven't seen my sisters in...years? years.
And David hasn't even met everyone yet. I got my hopes up far too high for a roadtrip, and now it seems like
even a one-person flight is out of the question.

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happygolucky, except fuck NYS.

Hey, remember when I was like--ooooooh, I got a new job and I hope maybe it might be awesome?
It is. pretty amazing.
I really, really love it there, actually. I get paid pretty alright (tips make life so much better.)
Better than I was getting paid at ol' powerHouse Arena.
Hell hole!
And it is genuinely fun. It's tough! Tough on the feet, and it gets really busy. But overall I love it. 

School starts so soon I could die. I am so nervous/excited/scared to death.
Also. Fuck New York State!
I have lived here, independent of the rest of my family, for nearly four years now, and I am still not eligible for financial aid? Because apparently if you are under twenty-three, (I'm twenty-two)  regardless of whether or not you are dependent of them financially, (I'm not) then you are considered dependent. And if your parents don't live in the state of New York--then go fuck yourself.

So, I pay taxes, I have leases dating back to 2006, I've got a NYS drivers' license (&passport), and all my parents have given me this year is a rice cooker (thanks, mom!), but I just don't count.
No aid for me! Not from the state, anyway.

Today wasfordmadoxfraud 's make-up birthday. 35! His real one sucked a whole lot.
So today we fixed it! Scones for breakfast + Doctor Who. Then beer & tacos with friends.
Nice time. He might have had a bit much to drink though! I sang him to sleep a few hours ago, hopefully he'll be alright come morning.

Seems like it might be just about time for a sobered-up evening run.


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Egg. Creams.

ohmygod, I am so excited I could puke.
Or maybe that's because I just poured myself a big gulp-sized vodka tonic.
I got a new job. And I know, I know, I haven't even started it yet. Who knows what it'll be like.
But I feel more optimistic than I have in months. years, maybe
Anyway, I work here now:
I think it is...amazing, breathtaking, fucking awesome. It's an old, revamped pharmacy. The tiny-tiled floor is original, and the parts of the walls are lined with dark wood & general store items. And lots of the walls are mirrored, and behind the bar everything is beautiful & chrome. It's exactly how I would have designed a soda fountain if given the opportunity. It's the sort of place that I would frequent even if I didn't have a job there. And I haven't worked for a place like that since...Hillel?
I guess. Yea. Shakespeare & Co. Hillel is maybe the only place that I have ever cared about both prior
to & after working there.
And I think it is pretty awesome to not only care about the place that you work, but to genuinely like it.
+ I get to wear a soda jerk hat. awesome. 

Anyway. enough about that.
So, yea, this morning--got a new job, payed my first chunk of tuition (ouch, but all for a good cause)
& paid only $16 for a pretty adorable pair of shoes.

Things are looking up, light at the end of the tunnel, silver lining, etc.
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Un. Employed.

Well, folks, I'm unemployed.
I quit my job. That's right, the one that I just got two weeks ago.
The one that I thought would change my life, well, to be fair--it just did!

Yesterday I sort of lost my mind, and I felt less hinged, more unhinged, than I've ever felt before. Probably.
It's hard to keep track, and after all, it only happened 24 hours ago.

But anyway. It was a rough day. And now it's going to be a rough month.
I didn't make pro & con lists. Well, I did. In my crazy head.
I decided that going into that office, with it's peach colored paneling, would make me crazier than to not go in.
And I knew very well that everyone would be mad at me. And I did it anyway.
And I think that I made the right choice? Maybe.

Maybe not?

Anyway, there. It feels good to write it down.
I. quit. my. job.

fordmadoxfraud is mad at me. And I understand that.
But I also think that I can fix it. So I am becoming less horrified that he will just tire of helping me, or just stop loving me altogether. He's always known that I am a crazy mess, but I think I owe it to him to get better.

Last night he told me, basically, that I have PMS.
Which is true, of course I have fuckin' PMS!
And my gut reaction was to yell at him & walk away.
And then I bit my lip. And I thought about it. And I realized--that, yea, that's pretty much what it is.
But instead of just minor moodswings, and instead of feeling anxious/upset, my body sort of just tangles up & I go sort of crazy. And sometimes it feels good. The way that when you drink too much & lose your inhibitions it is sort of awesome. And the next morning you're like 'Shit! I totally made out with that guy! Go drunk me!' Because you'd never do that otherwise. And you totally wanted to makeout with that guy all along. It's totally amazing. BUT then there are the times when you drunk-dial your boss and tell them to shove it.
And that is more like what I did. Which is less empowering. And less...amazing

Part of me still wants to say 'fuck off! I'll do whatever I want'
But then I realize--that i just quit my job.
And so I guess I have to fix this now.
It's just a matter of figuring out how. It's alright. I've got three things to try out first: counseling, birth control, working out.

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sleepless nights.


What the hell is wrong with the last 72 hours of my life?

I cannot sleep due to the swarms of mosquitos living in my apartment. I have never had so many bites in my life. I was uncomfortably hot but wore a sweater to bed last night just to try to shield my body from the little devils. I have probably slept a dozen or so miserable hours in the last three nights. Then today Roscoe had to poo at five in the morning, so I took him outside. Then he took a shit and seeing as I was practically sleepwalking I forgot to check the bag for holes. So guess what happened?
Yep, poo fingers. The biggest fear of my life (aside from drowning) chased me down at five in the fucking morning. So, disguisting as that was, I didn't think my life could be worse. Then as we were passing the Brooklyn Casket Co. two of the workers were opening up shop and, naturally, Ros thought that was an ideal time to take another shit. And I didn't have an extra bag with me. So those guys clearly thought I was some lunatic bitch that walks dogs in her pajamas with neon orange socks. And doesn't clean up after him?
Ugh. By the time I got home I 'd decided that since I would have to venture back outdoors to clean up this new pile of poo, I might as well just go to work afterward. I was wide awake with fury anyway. So I did. And that's where I am. And have been for an hour now. At 7:00 in the morning.

And Jill Munroe and that amazing werecat man died. Fuck the world is how I feel!

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Cactus splinters & onion tears!

This afternoon I was browsing through Chelsea market and spied some cacti in a produce bin.  I hadn't ever cooked with cactus before but I felt up for the challenge so I went ahead and bought some. Not really knowing what I was going to create with it, I picked out other ingredients that sounded like they'd mesh well with it. Limes, potatoes, tomatillo, eggs, peppers and onions. While filling my basket with treasures I decided that I'd make tacos. I bought corn tortillas and black beans and there were all the ingredients for a magical kitchen creation!
I figured that prepping cacti might be a struggle but boy, oh boy did I underestimate that! It was a pain in the ass. After half an hour of sticking my fingers and cutting through rough eyes I put my butchered, slimy meatfruit into the oven. As it was cooking I boiled potatoes and sauteed the peppers, onions & eggs. Finally it was done. I was panicked that the cactus was going to be terrible but was pleasantly surprised by the end result. It was flavorful, well textured and damn good looking. My most successful kitchen endeavor in quite a while. It was a struggle but well worth it.


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Weekend hits & misses.

Biting my tongue about neighbors is difficult but I suppose there are good things to speak of as well. Like...D&D! On Friday David ran a game for mordicai , skycornerless ,toughlad , Erica & myself.
The game started early afternoon so by the time that Erica & I joined in we'd acquired two hippogryphes which is very exciting, lemme tell you! I only want more & more animals to be in our game. It was also my first game playing with my new dice which are amazing. They are pink and sparkly and look like candy gems! I will most likely eat them soon. I wound up staying up until four in the morning after everyone left. I haven't felt so wired in such a long time. Vicodin, wine and killing will do that to you! ( I killed thirteen creatures, after all! I've decided to start tracking my numbers.)

Yesterday, well, there was the 'incident' but also David & I went out for brunch which was very tasty. I had an omelette jam packed with garlic and basil while David had what was essentially a cheeseburger omelette?
On our way home we decided to go through this creepy alley and into the most awkward 'shopping' experience available. Proteus Gowanus is a small gallery space that sells...stuff. Say you are in search of a filthy taxidermied squirrel. Well, this would be a great place to go. But I don't want you to think that's all they have! Oh no, no there's plenty more. For example, there are velvet boards glued with teeth too! I am very pro-strangefrighteninggiftshop but this one was not my thing. It was one of those places where all eyes seemed to be on you, and they made me feel awkward for being in their awkward gallery space. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all!

Last night, after we couldn't take our relentless, inconsiderate neighbors anymore, David & I ventured to drink and be merry with wolvus & kromelizard . They cooked us a delicious meal of grilled cheese and tomato soup! It was nice to have comfort food after such a strange and mostly unpleasant day. Then everything changed because we watched The Last Dragon which I hadn't ever seen before. Talk of amazing films! I am sad that I got this far into life without having seen this before. Luckily now I have! Luckily now I can understand and appreciate life a little bit more! Also I drank the right amount of wine!

By the time that we got home it was about 2 a.m. and the noise had died down. There were still clearly people outside but only smoking and chatting. No more music. For seven hours! It started again this morning. I can only assume this all means that they intend to continue their lives of barbaric luxury 100 feet away from me until I can tolerate it no more and kill them all. So I suppose I'll gun shop tomorrow because this is getting really old, really fast.


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Fucking douchebag neighbors.

Here you go CIA. Everyone flipped out about the waterboarding ordeal so why don't you try this out? My neighbors have been blasting shitty techno music since noon and now we are to the point of launching eggs into their yard. Seriously--my desk is shaking. David made a noise ordinance complaint. I made a complaint. I filed ANOTHER complaint and still they go on. Still, no luck. I am furious. Who the fuck thinks that it is okay to behave like such an asshole? And how have the cops not responded to this yet? Lousy fucks. I generally love spending a Saturday afternoon curled up in my den with my boyfriend. Thanks for taking that away, dicks. I am going to war. Somehow.

Dear 557 Union st.,
you are on my list.

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    pissed off

In transit.

           Yesterday Erica & I ventured to the NY Transit Museum for an afternoon of learning & whatnot. It was an enjoyable outing made more enjoyable by the fact that the trip was walkable from my apartment. I'm sort of a miser when it comes to museums so I was thrilled that this one only cost me $5. And it was well worth the price! The museum was packed with old turnstiles and ticket booths. There were charming old train cars and vintage maps aplenty. My only regret was not allocating enough time for the trip.


            Following our Museum trip we wandered up to Williamsburg to eat dinner (vegan junk food) at Foodswings. The spicy drumsticks were particularly scrumptious. Then it was off to rehearsal for me! By the end of the night I felt exhausted and sort of feverishly faint. Like that feeling when maybe your getting deathly ill or maybe not at all? I love waiting these things out to see what happens. Overall I'd say it was a pretty fruitful weekend.

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Last night.

Oh, new and young livejournal however do I begin?
Let us see.

Friday night was Dungeons&Dragons with an army of eight, familiars not included. I have to admit to still being intimidated by the game, even now with five or so sessions under my belt. I really enjoyed myself even though my rolls were consistently no good. The game seemed to go by pretty quickly even though we played for a good five hours. I'm sure that my colossal consumption of wine didn't exactly slow time. Speaking of which, wolvus  brought some wine that nobody else seemed to talk about but I thought it was quite tasty. And it had a smart label as well!

It was also the first evening that fordmadoxfraud & I have hosted in...a while? A long while I suppose. I've felt pretty distraught about our place and the fact that it's really nowhere near where I want it to be design/decorating wise. But I've decided to suck it up. It'll be there one day and I can't very well give up life until then.

I spent today at the bookstore but luckily I've got the next few days off. I have been wanting to see the transit museum since I moved here so I think Erica and I might finally do that tomorrow? And sometime soon I have to memorize lines for the highly anticipated upcoming show Cocktails at the Centre of the Earth! (

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